Dear DieAry, Today Is Over:
by WilliamKanaKun
Summary: The life and times of Yuki Sohma. Follow Yuki on his every day life where he gets into all sorts of situations. Ranging from a prostate exam, urinating in his teacher's gas tank to being caught with his pants off in the student council room!
1. Chapter 1

Dear Die-Ary, Today Is Over: The Life and Times of Yuki Sohma

WARNING: Story is intended for mature audiences only. Contains graphic sexual reference, adult content, suggestive dialogue, violence, drug usage and occasional vaginal bruising.

✩ONE✩

Prostate Exam, Panties and Pie

Today, Kyo had to go for a prostate exam; Naturally, I went with him. While the doctor stuck his finger up Kyo's ass, I enjoyed listening to The Blow Job Song by Blink 182. A fine song in my opinion. The look on Kyo's face had to be the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. It was a mix between a constipated owl and Akito when she's on the rag. The noise he made was even funnier. It was a combination of a garbage disposal throwing up and Lady Gaga.

"Mr. Sohma, you have to relax your anus. I believe that my finger is caught up there." Before Kyo can say anything I cut in. "Stuck? What do you mean stuck? Like they're gonna have to do surgery to fix his bumhole?" The doctor ignores me and turns his attention back to Kyo. Dickweed. I don't know why we just didn't go see Hatori like usual.

O.O That psycho-cunt who heads my fan club left her skanky panties in my locker again. I couldn't get my history book out of my locker without touching them. Fearing for my life, I headed to the science wing to get some gloves, goggles, tongs and a specimen jar. Armed to the teeth, I take my own hands in my life, and reach in for the panties. Before I could deposit them into the jar, Momiji ran up behind me, scaring the shit out of me, and I dropped the panties. "Jesus Christ!" "Who's he Yuki?" "Never mind that! Look what you've done! You've allowed the beast to escape!" Momiji looks at the panties on the floor. "Ah, Yuki, those are just girl's underwear. See?" He reaches for the panties, but I slap his hand.

"Have you no brain? I bet those things have fuckin' teeth. They nearly killed me earlier, they could easily take you down." Momiji backs up a few feet. "What are you going to do with them?" "The only reasonable thing a man can do." "Sniff them?" "Momiji! What the fuck did I just tell you? Anyway the smell of these things have already straightened my nose hair. This shit is like chemo for nose hair, I tell ya! I can't imagine what would happen if I actually sniffed them. My sinuses would probably dissolve."

Momiji giggles and I turn to face him. "There is nothing to be giggling about! This is a very serious matter. Who knows how many can be in danger because of these vial things?" "Yuki, did you take your medication today?" "YES!" I tong the panties and deposit them into the jar. I wipe the sweat off my forehead and exhale. "That was a close one!" "Whatever you say, Yuki." Then I remember that Momiji is lingering. "You wanna get out of there?" "Isn't that how you pick up women?" I snort. "Don't worry about that until you're older Bunny Boy. Let's go check out that new glory hole in the 17th street train station." I pick up the specimen jar, tape the son of a bitch shut and whip it into the trash bin. "Um, Yuki?" "Yeah?" I ask, taking my homework out of my locker. "What's a glory hole?"

Upon my arrival at home I discovered that Tohru had made a pie. By the smell of it, I would say either strawberry or raspberry. Delicious. I think about sticking my finger in the middle of it, but decide against it, because before I know it, I'll be up on the counter trying to get down and dirty with the thing. Ah, pie, such a sexual being. I don't know that from first hand experience, but I've spoken to Haru and he tells me there is nothing like it. And he swears that the juices from the pie actually make your nuts tingle. Hmm. Maybe that's why he wants to open a bakery when he graduates high school.

Tohru tells me that I have to dress for dinner. What the hell is wrong with my uniform? Ah, better not argue with her and have her try to tit slap me again. Yeah, you heard right! She tried to get all up on my titties. I know I'm sexy and all but motherfucker! She needs to pay like all the others. Then again, she does cook for me. Okay, she has the honour of giving me a blow job, no charge. No wonder I'm passing maths with flying colours-I'm a business man. Anyway, what the fuck am I going to wear to din-dins? Perhaps I'll dress like Hugh Hefner or Bob Barker…I haven't dressed like him in a while. Barker it is!


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Die-Ary, Today Is Over: The Life and Times of Yuki Sohma

WARNING: Story is intended for mature audiences only. Contains graphic sexual reference, adult content, suggestive dialogue, violence, drug usage and occasional vaginal bruising.

✩TWO✩

You've Gotta Get Gone. You've Got To Get Going

Today, once again, things revolved around Kyo's ass. This time, he wasn't wearing pants when he flopped down on Shigure's futon and ended up getting three malted milk balls stuck in his ass. Personally, I think that he deserved it. Serves him right for trying to soil the futon with his nasty cat ass. The good about all of this, is that I accompanied Kyo to Hatori's house, and along the way I ran into Haru. Upon hearing of the evens that had just transpired, he became excited and decided to come along for the show.

Out of nowhere he produced a bag of Cow Tails (carmel chews, for those of you who don't know) and he enjoyed our snacks as Hatori pulled on a pair of rubber gloves and prepared to go digging. Kyo yowled something fierce and Haru began to choke on a chew. Hatori had to race over and pound him on the back, as I couldn't do it, due to the fact I was paralysed with laughter. Haru coughed the piece of chew and Hatori resumed prying open Kyo's rectum. (What is my obsession with asses lately? Hmm. Maybe I should attend sexaholics anonymous with Ayame. Oh shit, that would drive me to drink, so that's not a good idea.)

Hatori managed to get all three malted milk balls out with the help of a pair of needle nose pliers. As we were leaving Haru decided he was sleeping over, so he, Kyo and I headed for Shigure's house. The walk home was interesting to say the least. I've decided to write my latest health class assignment on the need of cleanliness, and how if things are left in a mess, awful things can happen. Kyo wasn't impressed when he looked over and saw my paper. He punched me in the face and I don't remember what happened after that.

When I woke up this morning I looked in the mirror and saw that I had a huge shiner. My whole left eye was black and blue. "Shit, that's gonna need a lot of cover up." I look back and see Haru lingering in the doorway. "Yeah, I know." I dig around in the bathroom drawer looking for some. I find Tohru's make up bag and help myself to the concealer. I'll leave her a note telling her that I will replace the jar I took. I slather the flesh coloured goo around my eye and begin to rub it in. "Jesus Christ this hurts!" Haru starts to say something, but I cut him off. "Don't even ask me who Jesus Christ is! I went through that whole ordeal yesterday with Momiji!" Haru chuckles. "He texted me about that. That was fuckin' great. I was going to ask you if you need help applying that stuff." I whip around, accidentally polkaing myself in the eye.

"Fine. Help me with this shit before I blind myself." I hand him the jar of concealer and he takes a small brush out of his back pocket, dips it into the jar and begins to dab it on my face. "What do you think the fan girls are going to say when they see this?" I tense up and stand still as a statue. "There we are." Haru looks me over, applying finishing touches. "Very nice, indeed." He turns me so I'm facing the mirror and I drink it in. "I don't look bad at all!" I exclaim, moving closer to the mirror. "Haru, are you sure you don't want to rethink this bakery shit and go to school for cosmetology?" "Yeah, I'm sure."

Today, I had the most amazing thought I think I've ever had! I was sitting in the middle of my English lesson when it came to me. This body is the only way that I can exist in the physical world…without this solid form, I become liquid-an unseen force moving throughout the air, weightless and unconfined. Freer that the birds that sky in the sky or the fish that swim in the sea. The greatest feeling I've ever known…The theme song of my life is played in E flat, and when composed the green ink of the pen stains the fingers of the artist.

"Mr. Sohma, are you paying attention?" I snap to attention and smile widely. "Of course. I was just reflecting on what you said. I find it all very interesting. I'm even thinking about pressing a career in the field of English Literature." The teacher blushes. "Ah, that's wonderful! You should come to my lecture at the local university. It's Tuesday nights from 5-7 pm." I scribble some things down in my notebook, to make it look like I'm interested. "Thank you, ma'am." Another detention avoided by good old fashion ass kissing!

Still flying high, from my thrills from last period, I didn't notice that there was a sub in my chemistry class. I sat down in my usual seat in the back, next to Tohru, so she can cheat off me (and I can get a rim job). I look up to the front of the class expecting Mrs. Takido and what I get is Bette Middler. 0.0 From the frizzy orange hair, to the parsley spring caught in her teeth. I nearly vomit when she bends over and I see her saggy, wrinkled tits, almost pouring out of her bra. I begin to cough so hard, I think that my chest may explode. "You there, grey headed boy! Do you need a cup of water?" I'm unable to catch my breath so Tohru answers her question. "I'll get Yuki-kun some water!" She rushes away from me and I feel like my windpipe might crack.

Tohru comes in and hands me a paper cup filled with water. I take a sip and clear my throat. "I'm sorry. This usually never happens." "You're excused, Mr. Uh-" "Sohma." "I should remember that name. I dated a guy with the last name of Sohma. Maybe you know him; Shigure Sohma." My face drops. Shigure had sexual relations with this…this beast? o.0 And with that I lose my breakfast all over the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Die-Ary, Today Is Over: The Life and Times of Yuki Sohma

WARNING: Story is intended for mature audiences only. Contains graphic sexual reference, adult content, suggestive dialogue, violence, drug usage and occasional vaginal bruising.

✩THREE✩

Make Them Go Away

Unfortunately, nothing revolved around Kyo's ass, or asses in general. I have to admit it's a big disappointment. Anyway, school was another pile of shite that I had to clean up today. It was my psychology class that really did it in. Today's topic was, "What are the things that make us human?" Well, fuck me. I can't really say, now can I? With me being a rat and all, it gets a little sticky. I'm human but a rat at the same time…what does that make me? Rat-Man? I guess I'll just have to do by best, and by that I mean lie through my fucking teeth. What kind of a dumbass question is that? I can't let that get to me, I've got a student council meeting to attend. Those things always make me want to hang myself. Maybe this was my subconscious's way to kill me. Suicide by annoyance…It's rather good. I like it. Must examine this further.

Once again Kimi is not wearing a bra and that's all I can think about. "So, Yun-Yun, what do you think of the art projects we're going to do for the cultural festival?" "The breast idea I've ever heard." Then I realise what I've just said, and panic. "BEST! Best idea I've ever heard!" Fuck me, that was close! Must remember to leer with one ear in the conversation, to avoid moments like that. I wish to God, they would stop calling me Yun-Yun. It's such a life-less pussy name. It's something that Tohru should be called. I seem to be very angry with her lately…I think it's due to the lack of food. She hasn't been home three nights in a row! She's been out on some oestrogen outing with her slag pals. Saki is kinda hot, but that other one, you know, the one with no fuckin' eyebrows? She creeps me out. And she's so tall! 0.0 I wonder what mental hospital she escaped from.

Everyone stands up for no reason and begins to pack up all their shit. I bang my fist on the table. "Hey! Hey! What's goin' on here?" They turn to me. "We're going home Yun-Yun. The meeting is over." "Over? We just sat down!" I get puzzled looks. "We've been here and hour and a half." O.* No fuckin' way! I glance over at the clock to see that the moron is right. "Oh, I knew that. I just feel we didn't accomplish that much. Ku-ku." "Ah, I dunno. Seemed like a lot to me. Anyway, catch you tomorrow Yun-Yun!" He slams the door behind him. Crap in a bucket! He wasn't pissed off by the new nickname that I've bestowed upon him. He probably things it's a love name. Why do I do this shit to myself? FAIL. So, I head home in a pissy mood, only to find that Tohru cunt hasn't done any laundry and I have no clean drawers for tomorrow! I could go to her room and bitch slap her, but apparently, she isn't in. I'm going to have to do the only reasonable thing a man can do in this situation; turn my tighty-whities inside out and wear them that way.

In good news, the dumbass cat fell off the roof and nearly broke his neck. I thought he fell out of the sky at first. He's bruised his collarbone and has to wear a neck brace for the next two weeks as a precaution. HA! He's gonna look like such an asshole. At least I will have something to cheer me up. I'm going to need it, because this weekend I have to spend time with Ayame. OH MY GOD! Speaking of Ayame, yesterday I learned that he wasn't gay! Yeah! I couldn't believe my ears, so I went and sat for a hearing test. When that came back okay, I went for tests to see if my brain was processing information correctly. Everything came back good. I'm still in shock. Excuse me, I need to have a Cosmo and clear my mind.

Ah, that's much better. I like my Cosmos with a hint of lime; gives it a little something extra. Speaking of giving it a little something extra, I asked Shigure about Bette Middler teacher. He, of course, denied everything. LIAR! Why would she make that up? She doesn't have the brains to fill an egg cup, never mind come up with something that hilariously disgusting. Maybe this whole world is going crazy? It doesn't matter to me, because no matter what I still have to hand in my assignments. Perhaps I shall go and donate a few moments of my precious time to them.

I'm thinking about being a gangster. After all, career day is rapidly approaching and I need to have a list of ideas to hand in. Yeah, I could be like the Japanese version of 50 Cent, not Eminem because he's not Republican and doesn't have a group of homies to roll with. Perhaps I should actually hold a gun and see if I like the feel. But where am I going to get one? Crap in a bucket.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Die-Ary, Today Is Over: The Life and Times of Yuki Sohma

WARNING: Story is intended for mature audiences only. Contains graphic sexual reference, adult content, suggestive dialogue, violence, drug usage and occasional vaginal bruising.

✩FOUR✩

Fictitious Lies

Today, I rented that remake of Alice in Wonderland. What a fuckin' disgrace that thing is. I would have rather watched Hatori give Akito a rim job. How that thing ever made any money is beyond me. So with roughly two hours of my life gone, I guess I should think about doing some assignments. They really are beginning to pile up and I can't keep using the excuses of carpal tunnel, my dog is sick and that I'm suffering from anal leakage. HA! There I go again talking about asses. I just can't help myself. OH! Speaking of asses, Momiji was acting like a total asshole yesterday. He invited himself over, helped himself to MY chocolate pudding and then lounged around with no pants on. It was almost as bad as the time Haru gave me a pair of his underwear for my birthday. Though they did come in handy when I was making that hot air balloon. I wonder if Tohru recorded that like I asked her to. Hmm. Must ask her later.

With all this thinking going on I must be about halfway through the assignment! I look down at the paper to see that I only have my name and the date on the paper. Shit on a stick! I'm never going to get anything accomplished if I can't focus. I did manage to focus on Kimi's tits…No! Not cool, Yuki! Now what the fuck was I supposed to be doing? Ah yes, maths. I look down at the mixture of numbers, letters and symbols. What kind of bullshit is this? I'll put that to the side. Things that man us human…does she mean physical traits? If that's the case, it's gonna be a pretty dull assignment writing about my thumbs. Ah no, I think she means psychological things. Well, fuck. Greed! Yes! Oh and murder for prophet and fun. I'm going to have a great time with this! HeeHee.

It wasn't worth it. After the teacher read my paper she called school authorities and my parental guardian aka Shigure. It was a huge cluster-fuck to say the least. Honestly! She asked and I told. Sure, I spent a little more time than I should have on human being's love of torture and shit like that, but all in all it was a good read. What the fuck does she have to be upset about? Anyway, it was decided that I am to attend mandatory therapy twice a week. Bullocks. And my appointment has to be right after Kyo's anger management programme so I'm going to be seeing even more of this asshole. The only good thing about all this is that I'll be serving my detention with Haru. He received his sentence for putting in a glory hole in the girl's locker room. Apparently, school authorities can't handle a student with a vision that grand. Now it is off to my first therapy appointment. This should prove interesting.

I walk into the room and sit down in the large leather chair in the corner. The therapist is sitting behind his desk, writing something in his daily planner. "I'm Doctor Taki. Mr. Sohma, I presume." "No, sorry, you just missed him." By the look of this guy he probably has Power Rangers bedsheets and he still masturbates to Captain America comic books and he's supposed to help me sort out my problems? "So, Yuki what seems to be the problem here?" I shrug. "I don't know. I did my psychology assignment, what was asked of me, and I end up here." "You don't know?" "Hold that thought. Where's your John? I gotta take a leak." Dr. Taki's face sours. "Down the hall and to the left." "Thanks, Doc." I head down the hall and swing into the bathroom. I thought my bladder was going to explode while I was sitting in there! I manage to make it into the stall and unleash the falls from within before leakage. Ah. That feels so much better.

I head back to Dr. Taki's office to find he has moved from his nest from behind the desk and has taken residence in the chair across from mine. Pervert! O.0 If I'm gonna get raped, it's not gonna be by a guy like that. I take my seat again and wait for him to say something. "While you were in the restroom, I read your paper." Oh crap in a bucket! Here we go again. "And?" "It was really informative. I found it rather good. You focused on the negative side of humanity. A piece that festers beneath the surface. The part that few people know how to control." Am I hallucinating here or is he telling me I did good? "Now, having said that, where do you stand on your goals assignment?"

I should have known that was going to crop back up to haunt me. "Well, I was thinking about being a gangster, but I didn't like the way my pants were always falling off my ass. And for the life of me, I couldn't understand this head condom bullshit." He leans forward in his seat. "Come again?" "Head condom, you know a du-rag. I couldn't get the goddamn thing to work for me. So that's out. Then I thought about being one of those guys that paint on cave walls to screw with archeologists. That didn't work, as I found out I can't draw a yak to save my life. I'm left with porn star, titty bar owner and a male stripper." "Those are all very sexual professions." "I've a very sexual being. Though, I'd have to say I'm no match for my cousin, Haru. He performed oral sex on a peach cobbler. He wants to be a baker." Dr. Taki blinks. "He-he performed oral sex on a baked good?" I nod. "Then there was the time he felt up the apple turn overs and tried to seduce a pound cake. That's okay. I've got another cousin who sticks his pecker in ice cream."

"I would love to continue more on this, but it appears that time is up. I will see you again next week. In the meantime, I'd like you to finish your paper on goals and I'd like you to talk about your own sexuality and your attractions." This sucks! Goddamn it! I have enough homework and bullshit going on in my life as it is. -_- Fuck this, I'm gonna go home, get chocolate chip cookies and watch The Hunchback of Notre Dame; It makes me feel good about myself. And every time that Quasimodo rings a bell, I'll pretend I'm ringing my therapist's neck. Fuck. If anyone reads that, I'm gonna be in deeper shit. And of course I had to write in pen. FAIL.


End file.
